Conrad Julius Ecklie (conrad_ecklie) wrote,
Conrad Julius Ecklie
conrad_ecklie

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Theatrical Muse: Week 171: Question 171

Name: Conrad Ecklie

Fandom:
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Word Count: 945


What is the biggest mistake you've made in a relationship?


Letting my wife die, and not being there to prevent it. I know, I may say this verbatim, but it is true. I made the worst mistake any unwitting, unknowing man could do to his beloved. I left her alone and she died, she was murdered, raped, stabbed. The vileness of humanity, that fateful day, poured out of one man, and one man only, and he ended her life because of it. And I wasn’t there, I was working, I could have been there, gone home to get something, anything, even lunch, but I wasn’t. No, I wasn’t home until it was far too late to say or do anything at all, that could have saved her.

I have listened to many men talk about their wives over the years. Some are being processed for murder, some are abusers, some are simply there to identify the body of someone they love, who has died. With the natural except of some men are beyond sense and common kindness, aside from those who were using their spouses as a tool for gain or progression, I know, that most of these men, at some point, have loved their wives. At some point, most of these men would give anything for their wife, and many of them still would, even in the death and subsequent absence of their loved one.

The biggest mistake I have made in a relationship, was also the one single occurrence, I know, I could not have changed much. Sure, I say to myself, and, some of the time, my mind believes, the idea that, on that day, I could have changed something. I could have come home, stayed home, called her, invited her out for lunch, or morning tea, or just to do something, anything. I didn’t, and I regret that on that day, I did what any other normal public servant was doing, working and serving the public in their specified role. I say to myself, if I had been a little bit more spontaneous, a small bit more free with the time I spent with her, then maybe, I could have rescue her from a fate worse than death. Except that I didn’t, and she was murdered, and forced to bleed and bleed, and hurt and hurt, and meet her fate on her own.

In those early days, I had to force myself to think about what it must have been like in Michelle’s final moments. Did she scream, struggle? How much pain was she in, how much blood did she lose before she passed? How had he done it, why had he done it? Now, with the case over, with over a decade having passed by, I don’t think about the circumstances as much as I used to. I still think about her, however, I still think about how happy she made me, how special she used to make me feel. How I loved her and treasured her every waking moment of my day.

What a lot of people don’t understand is that Michelle was my first and my only love. I knew, the moment I loved her, that no one would ever be able to replace her in my mind, in my heart. I knew that I wanted, really and honestly wanted, to spend every day of my life with her, following the start of our relationship, until the end of our lives. We would grow old together, retire together, and live our lives together, as lovers, as, a couple, as married individuals, as one.

My biggest mistake, and my biggest regret, is not having been there to protect on the day she was killed, on the day she was murdered. I can not forget, I can never forget, what was done to her, what I saw in my own home, my own bedroom. I can not leave behind the memory of her, or my parents, I can never, forget any of them, all of them, together. The biggest thing that happened to me, in her death, was losing her, was feeling her absence stab pointedly and poignantly into my life, into my chest, as sharp as daggers. What this absence caused? Of course, I know what it caused. That day, I died internally, heaping more pain onto an already present pile of emotions I have forced myself, in the past, to abandon, because I consider them unnecessary. Of course I felt sadness that day, but I did not let myself become weak. No, in the face of my most grievous mistake, I was strong. I didn’t back down, I was strong, and still, nothing I could do then, would have saved her, and nothing I could have done before, knowingly, would have significantly altered her life to the point at which she would have continued living.

My biggest regret I have is that my wife was raped and murdered, while I was not there to protect her. My biggest mistake is that my wife was raped and murdered, while I was not there to protect her. I will remember her for the rest of my life, until I die, and while I know that the fact is, that I could not have done anything, I will always feel guilty. I could have been there for her, after all, I could have protected her from harm, but I wasn’t there, and because I wasn’t there for her, I couldn’t protect her. So, yes, my biggest mistake in a relationship is that I wasn’t there for my wife when she was raped and murdered, even if there is nothing I could have ever done about it to prevent it from happening.
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