Conrad Julius Ecklie (conrad_ecklie) wrote,
Conrad Julius Ecklie
conrad_ecklie

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Theatrical Muse: Week 259: Question 259

Name: Conrad Ecklie

Fandom:
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Word Count: 663


Write a prompt that begins with the words: "I don't understand"...


I don’t understand many things anymore, according to some people. I don’t understand grieving or human pain, or so say some of the people who have shouted at me over the years. I don’t understand what it’s like to feel pain and sadness, and I don’t get that people aren’t perfect. It is, in fact, a question I have been asked many times before by the family or friends or, associated cumulative affection givers of victims, that question, “Have you ever lost someone?” Like, they look to me to understand their grief, to say that I too am human, and have felt a severe sadness like they are doing at so at that moment. It’s not a question of understanding that has parallels in many other circumstances. If a person is in hospital after an operation, they don’t ask their guests if they’ve ever had an experience like that, or, if someone drops a glass on the floor, they don’t ask their co-worker if they’ve ever done that before. The question of understanding, in death, is one unique to itself, a situation of tragic happenstance that has snuffed out a human live, lives, maybe, just because the world is so.

Contrary of what people think of me in the workplace, I do understand, I understand a lot of things. But, to be honest, and frank, as I so prefer, I, myself, Conrad Julius Ecklie, I squashed out hopefulness and rampant happiness in my brain a long, long time ago. I do not prefer feeling hopeful, as it wastes time, and, really, when examined closely, with scrupulous detail, the world is not a very happy place. I work best when I function at my optimum, and to serve Las Vegas so, I feel what I feel, and have learnt to quell and eliminate anything in my mind that serves as a possible distraction.

There are many things that I don to understand, and I am not afraid to admit that. Someone, long ago, said that life is not hard, and we can not have everything. Whoever it was, and wherever he lived, whatever life he held, he was a very correct person, of course, assuming that it was a man in the first place, of course. I do not understand astrophysics, I am not a doctor or a construction worker, and I could never build a bridge out of thin air, and have it be safe. I am however, good at the field of science that I am interested in, and that I work in. That, I am good at, and that class of knowledge, I know extremely well.

Also, a long time ago, I lost my whole world, and more, on top of that. Irreversibly, I am aware of the fact that my, so-called-by-the-papers, tragic start to my young life, has affected me, I long since realised that because of the death of my parents, I feel less than I ought to. What people don’t understand about me, is that, I can not change my past, I can not change who I am, and because of that, I prefer it this way. I function at my best, with who I am and what I have become, and while being an orphan, a widower, in the truest senses of those grim, deprived words, I am who I am, and I don’t mind it. What people don’t understand, when I raise my voice in anger, and when I rein a hard fist down on their sloppy case reports, and evidence handling is that I may be better than all of them, but I am no less human than any of them are. A long time ago, though, I changed myself, and now, here I am, human, but changed, beyond repair. Not even the amalgamated presses, the hordes of victims, family members, friends and other people that I have seen in the line of my work over the years, will ever get that. That, I understand.
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