CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Word Count: 743
"The true magic of this broken world lay in the ability of the things it contained to vanish, to become so thoroughly lost, that they might never have existed in the first place." The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, by Michael Chabon.
When I think of broken worlds, I see horrible images in my mind, painted together by a swirling palette of horror and misery as humankind wallows in the depths of despair. The thing is, through my job, though my decades as a criminalist, I have done it all. I have, indeed, done it all. And, believe me, I’ve come to this conclusion after many years of working, of trying my hardest and my best to fulfil my job as a CSI. This is because, really and truly, after so long, you realise that a job such as mine, is not limited just my skills, or knowledge, or even rules. It is so much, about making some of it up along the way, and knowing that it’s ok, because it feels right, right down in your gut, and the feeling of correctness is overwhelming. In my job, I have shot people, and in doing that I have either hurt them, or I have killed them. I have told families that their loved one is dead, that their loves ones are dead, I have attended funerals, stood guard of witnesses, of criminals themselves. Too many times I have performed CPR, or some other life saving technique, and failed, too many times, have I seen survivors survive, and fight, flying blindly into a quest for continued living, success, only to fail and fall into death. You would think, wouldn’t you, that, I’m just a CSI, I just, perform a certain set of tasks, duties. No, no, you’re wrong, and, I know that, because you’re always wrong.
Being a CSI, being, this, lost its strict limits so long ago it is almost beyond imagination. Being what I am, doing what I am, is so integrated into everything else, that I find myself acting like a cop, or a homicide investigator, and, I have to draw myself back, sometimes. Just in my mind, mind you, because I never slip up, I never act, out of protocol, I never, break the rules. I just manage somehow, and bend things to my liking. Because, in all honesty, you have to sometimes, as there is no other way to manage a job like this without inventing some of the steps along the way.
I know what I’ve said is a little soft, or a little uncouth, and, I’m never entirely happy about such confessions, but, what I’ve said, is true. I’ve seen a broken world more than many others, ever will. I can count of, hundreds of individual methods of murdering someone, because I’ve seen them all, and plunged my hands directly into their coldness, their black heartedness of mind and soul The entity that drives the evil of this world, is not a single one, but it is one that spawns in every person that commits a crime against the law which causes a homicide without excuse, without rhyme nor reason. The bloodshed itself, is horrible, because, I believe, and have always believed, that unnecessary bloodshed is horrible. Of course, there is always murder, within limits. If someone is threatening me with a gun, and they will not work with negation, and, they are about to fire at me, then, well, I will most likely shoot them if I can not find any other way to go about getting myself, and everyone else who is around, safe.
Now, you’d think, from the way I talk, I might need counselling, I might need to retire. Don’t talk that crap, don’t even open your mouth and utter a word. The horror I have seen, the death that breathes itself in through my pores and poisons my blood from the moment I step under that tape, has made me stronger. A gruesome fact, yes, but, I am stronger, better, for having chosen this profession, and stuck to it, applied myself, compared with having run away from it all the first moment I got truly spooked or disgusted. I am here now, because of death, and, I will remain in this profession for as long as I live, or, as long as I can, because, I need to. Once in this job, it is, for me, and others like me, an inescapable, lifelong, affair of blood, and gore, and the knowing, brilliant, knowledge, that you are doing something right and so ultimately justified.
I don’t need a fucking shrink, I need to work, because I’ve always needed to keep going. So fuck off. Now.